As I marched along my twenties I began to feel a desire for more. The appeal of freedom seemed more and more dream like and less and less realistic with each passing wave. Yet I asked myself a question, and that question was simply complex: "What can I do to be happy." It implied, as I knew it would, as the words formed from my thoughts gathered over years of trial and lessons.. that I was not, at that specific time in space, truly living my happiness. But how could that be so?! Didn't past me do her best? Wasn't she only trying to make sense of it all and to set herself up for a blissful future?! She was indeed. But she didn't know me. Didn't know what I would like, or who she would become after the choices she was deciding for us. I had no say in my life, for it was designed by a girl who wanted so badly to be seen as a woman. That's when I realized something. We are always doing our best to impress our future selves. But once we get there.. once we become our futures.. we are all but impressed and more accurately slightly underwhelmed and complacent. The feeling of living a life that was just going through the motions of what my past self had designed for me was stifling. Almost like a cruel joke. But I couldn't be upset with her. How could I? She thought she would know me just as she thought she knew us then. All I could do in that moment was breathe in forgiveness and acceptance of where we had come to in life together. That place looked pretty great from an outside perspective, as she had intended it to very deliberately. But inside it felt like she was lying to me. And it wasn't her fault! She was only reciting the programming she had learned on her journey thus far. I realized then that it was my job to begin the deprogramming so we could step into the next realm. I knew in that moment that this would be my most difficult life challenge yet. But I also had a churning in my stomach, that said to me "go forth anyways.. future you will thank you."
I've never been so sure of something. I've jumped on planes, traveled to foreign lands, taken buses, and trains and boats and scooters up windy mountains filled with mysteries and across vast waters with melting suns. I've searched high and low for the feeling of connection, hoping to answer my deepest questions about the universe and why we came here to experience it. But I've never trusted that I already have these answers inside me. Why must I look to a person or a destination to satisfy my desire for fullness? What do I feel I can gain from said person or place or people or places that I don't already have inside my blood and bones? The answer was shocking when it finally dawned on me.. I am it. I am everything I have been searching for throughout my entire existence as Emily Dawn. I am good enough, I am brave enough, I am smart enough, I am strong enough. The limitations I have felt in the past were not put there by me, but they were accepted by me. It was current me's responsibility to remove them. To one by one take down the brick wall and reveal my own true nature that had been hiding inside me just behind this barrier for all this time.
When we are young, probably as soon as we are born or even sooner, while we are still being brought into creation, we begin to see. We see a world around our bodies, filled with objects and people. Humans. These humans come in all shapes and sizes and hold vastly different functions and roles in our lives, as do the objects. Their intentions, in their purest forms, are to help us live a beautiful abundant life on planet earth. This is their promise. Naturally, and without a doubt, we trust this promise. We trust these humans and their objects to help us navigate our time on this planet, just as an explorer trusts their compass and ship to guide them to the great unknown. But as we age, and begin to question: "why this?" and "why that?" we are told answers. Answers that were told to the human answering us. And that were told to the human who answered the human telling us when they began to question. And we accept those answers. We say "hmm that doesn't reallllly make sense to me deep down inside, I can feel that.. but it seems to provoke an uncomfortable feeling in the human answering me when I continue to probe, so I will drop it and accept that they must be right." Then we go on to grow up, and when we encounter other tiny humans on this planet, who again ask us the same who what why questions, we recite the same answers someone once gave us to the test. "Oh! I know that one! That's easy.. were are here because_____." Or, "Things are just that way." Accept it. Don't question it. This is the programming. This is what we are all taught, and give little thought to why or how because it is all but encouraged.
So on my 26th year around mother Sun, I asked myself "Why." "Why are you unhappy?" "Isn't the whole POINT of this madness to find a sliver or happiness and hold on to it?!" "Or is there enough to go around and we can all actually enjoy a whole pizza of happy and share it with anyone who is hangry for it too?" These questions shook me. But they also brought me comfort. I began to peel away the layers of questions I had asked throughout my journey, and the answers I had been given to the great test of human life. I began to find that I was living my entire life based on what I thought other people would think looked like a "successful" and "happy" 20-something human woman life. But I didn't feel "successful." And I didn't feel "happy."
Inward I went, to dig deeper. Dig myself out of the exceptions of other humans that I had accepted. One after another. "I don't need this," "I'm not this way or that way," "I don't actually enjoy this, I just thought it was something I was supposed to be doing or purchasing or feeling." This process has continued into the now.
I am 27, beginning my return of Saturn. I am the universe expressing itself as "Emily Dawn, designer or Future Dawn Designs." Beyond that I am love, art, magic, music, mystery, questions, answers, the known, the unknown, the void, and the filling of the void. And I am setting out on a new journey, one that I accept now fully, knowing that I truly don't know how future me will feel about it. I don't know if she will think I'm crazy or if she will look back and admire the hard work and good intention I have put into her life. All I know now is that I am living my truth for the first time since becoming this expression. And in the best way possible, I don't care in the least bit what any other human has to say about it. And even more importantly, I don't care what future me has to say about it. Because I'm not her and I never will be. The future is dawning all right.. dawning on the present. And the present is the only time we ever have. The mirror I look into every day has one face. Tomorrow she will have one face too. And the next day and the next, the same could be said as true for them. But if you take all of these mirrors, and you freeze them with a magic wand, and you look at them side by side, she is standing there next to herself forwards and backwards in time, for infinity. You will see that she has always been young and she will always be old. She has always existed and she has not even yet been conceived. Everything that has ever happened to her and that will ever take place in her life, every mountain, every journey, every lover, is caught up in the entangled web of all eternity right here and now, and our beautiful, good intentioned, containers called bodies and minds are only programmed to take it all in one at a time. It would be too overwhelming otherwise.
Find water, and then you can drink. See the horizon, only from the top of the mountain. Look inward, and you will feel everything. Fear nothing, for fear is only love wearing a mask to confuse you.
I am Future Dawn for this reason. Because the future is me just as it is you. And this future is now.